they say its alright, but it isn't

hello, yes im back.

dont say i didnt warn you, its gonna be a lengthy post...

you know how adults always say, 

its gonna be alright.

i realised its a blatant lie.

i guess i knew it all along, but i didnt really care.

i shouldn't be bothered about adults affairs, they tell me.

just keep quiet and study, another says.

but hell do i do that?

any damn sane person wont be able to.

let's check out my daily routine.

i reached home.

there was a crazy heated argument going on.

up to this point, im cool as a cucumber ayte.

i see my mum crying, i hear her from the kitchen.

ignore, ignore, ignore.

during dinner, they start conversations.

nathing about how my day was, nathing about how i was feeling.

they just start the "your exams are coming" speech.

"you havent done well for the past few exams, can you be more serious....."

and then the comparison part.

"why cant you be more like your brother? or your sister?"

unfazed, unfazed, unfazed.

everyday's like that.

a pointless cycle.

the adults say that the whole "your grandma is ill" crisis would be solved.

hah, its been ongoing from march.

and its getting worse, everyday.

as much as i hate to say it, its a burden.

the hospital bills.

two hundred per day, for the past 8 months.

new maid, new rooms for her.

and there she goes threatening my parents with suicide.

i dont even know what im ranting about.

its madness.

and everyone expects me to close up from it all.

sure, i've tried my best.

you havent heard me lamenting much bout it.

i learnt to ignore.

but guess what, they start saying i dont care.

that i cant be bothered, that i dont give a damn care to the family.

and hell use would there be of me worrying??

seriously.

adults.

they want academic results, they want me to study, they want me to listen in class, they want me to do my homework.

all in the environment of constant yelling, screaming in the house.

i cant do it yo.

i just cant.

so i've been blocking it all out, why the change nao you might ask?

because. because my sister's bothered.

she came to me and tell me about my mum's crying.

the plea, the  look.

the eyes that looked hopeful as if i had a solution to all this.

i've always disliked/loved that little sister of mine.

sure, we quarrel a lot.

but somehow, i guess we hold on to each other.

especially when it seems like the family's falling apart.

we used to discuss, who we would join if there was a divorce.

i swear im not leaving my sister.

as much i would like to at times.

fcuk, this is making me all teary.

expectations.

they can really be pressurizing at time.

when all the adults go, "you dont know how lucky you are not to be in my position"

which is true, but at the same time..

they like to take it out on me.

i've no idea why.

they say im more mature, better able-ed to give advice, 

but sometimes...

i wished i was just a kid.

some young kid who knew nothing better.

maybe all this wouldnt have mattered.

i feel so freaking suffocated.

i've people to talk to, but sometimes we'll just feel like a burden.

its like pulling people's spirits down with you.

whoever you are, reading this whole chunk of words, thank you.

for spending your time trying to understand.

or just listening perhaps.

its better communicating this way, than to just confide in people.

there'll be huge massive amount of guilt afterwards..

sorry.