I came home to tell my mum i only failed one subject.
like duh, of course i was glad i didnt fail like three.
hah, what i received was this: "you failed chem, again."
nope, she didnt ask me how i did for the rest.
how well i did for lit this time.
i didnt tell her how i passed socialstudies, how i thought i was about to fail.
how i scored 11/12 for an essay.
nope, she wouldn't have cared.
these little triumphs, i kept to myself.
noone to share them with.
Instead here i am with the tears blinding my vision.
i dont understand why she cant see things the way i do.
why wont she understand that its not about the failing but how i had passed the rest instead.
i dont understand why she kept comparing me with my brother.
i dont understand.
Parents often mention how their kids no longer confide in them.
what never crossed their mind was that their children tried, but the adults were never there to listen.
it saddens me.
that whatever close relationship i had with my parents were lost.
i no longer tell them of things, of school, of my friends.
instead i stick with the answer that probably everyone just wanted to hear, im fine.
confiding in parents is a pointless thing.
i guess i stopped ever since i was primary four.
maybe.
i know i didnt tell them about my crushes, about my friends..
the only conversation we had was probably about school grades.
until this two years.
its impossible to even discuss school work nao.
when they enter my room and see me struggling with a math sum.
i just tell them im doing fine with my studies.
i often come home with results of some class test.
i had rehearsed what to say to her, to them. "hey mummy, guess what! i passed my class test!"
but when i saw her and she asked how was school,
something in her tone stopped me.
it paralyzed me, made me forget that i had something to feel proud about.
and it struck me nao, that passing was an expectation.
it was not something to be proud of, it was something you HAD to do.
that it was a limit, that it was expected.
and that she's expecting nathing less than it.
ohmyfuuuu, she just sat down in front of me.
the same disappointed look, her mouth opened and i got her speech again.
the "i know you studied but you still failed" one.
the one that tells me im useless, the one that says im not as clever in this as the rest of them are.
