It takes time to figure things out.

I love the stars.

It's probably known that people look to the stars to navigate their way,

to find their way out when they are lost.

And hey, i've been looking at the stars for a really long time.

Some nights i feel like im following the right star,

other times maybe i've been mislead by a satellite.

i'll be honest here.

lately i've been feeling like im stuck in a rut.

in a rut so deep noone can pull me out, except myself.

i guess it's one of the longest "lows" that i've ever felt.

i've no idea how it happened.

I won't pretend; it was really awful.

Part of me felt like i was winding back down to the eerily familiar bad days 6 years ago.

it felt scary :(

Then again, at least i've the proper sense to know what is right and wrong for myself.

and obviously this whole "stuck in the rut" thing is nowhere near good.

I really dont know if it was a change in exercise regimen, 

stress, exams, school, friends or anything that caused it.

maybe a lack of sleep.

and cake.

It's particularly hard for me cause i've been really happy.

im used to being happy all day, all time, (most of the time).

it's weird to be so down for a prolonged period of time.

i think the worst part is that i've always been the one listening to others, 

lending my shoulders when things get hard.

it's weird to be the one on the other side of the room.

and man did it suck.

it took me a couple of breakdowns to realize that im really going to need to solve this crap.

that being said,

i've lovely people all around me to help me out.

big hugs to you guys who gave me happy hugs and for the pep talks.

motivation.

what sorcery are you now.

trying to find a source of motivation to do deal with everything.

it's gonna take time but hey at least i know that's what i've to do now.

time to get productive and enough sleep and relaxation time.

again, reference back to my new year resolution:

"it's okay not to be okay."

just have to bounce back up again.

i got over the miserable fact that my results are horrible,

rethought about it and hey,

it's a new record to clinch the last position in the entire cohort yknow.

kidz.

at least i can get most improved award again.

ha-ha.