Take a sharp glup of air.
Brows folding themselves inwards, furrowing.
Try again.
Inhale. One.
Exhale.
Inhale. Two.
Exhale.
Inhale. Three.
Exhale.
A little tension escapes from my body.
I can't recall what triggered this-
this awful state of distress.
There was something about books piled all over the table, things left unorganised all over the place, objects strewn across the room...
Displaced.
Everything is not where it should be.
That's it.
That's what triggered it.
The sudden realisation that my room was in a mess was overwhelming.
Everything was disoriented.
Everything in my room.
I am disoriented.
In that moment when I saw how disorganised everything in the room was,
it reflected a loss of control in my life.
I am a control freak.
Not in the creepy, I want to control the whole working world kind of control,
but I want to have my life in order.
Maybe it has something to do with how Life, Time and Death posed themselves to be the greatest constants in the world over the past 19 years of my life, and I want to grasp hold of what little control I have left as a human being.
I am sounding like I'm living in tension with the workings of the world, though this isn't what I was quite going for.
To be frankly honest, I don't even know if any of these make sense.
All i know was that I was in distress.
It wasn't an anxiety attack.
I know I had it worse before,
but my head was fuzzy and chaotic and I wanted to get away from it badly.
Breathe.
All is fine.
Breathe.
You are here.
Noone's gone.
Noone's dead yet.
It's okay.