I do not owe anyone an explanation, nor do I need to justify myself for being happy-
but sometimes, i forget.
When you place someone else's happines above yours, they call it Love.
But Fear and Love are both four letter words, and sometimes Fear can be disguised under the blanket of Love.
When Love turned to Fear, i lost myself.
What fuelled my choices was no longer Love but Fear that someone will be upset if I didn't do whatever they asked for.
As time went by, eventually I realized that my choices weren't making me happy. I wasn't making myself happy, i was making sure everyone else is happy but for some reason it did not translate to my happiness.
Sure, i thought i was happy for one moment or two but I didn't realize how much damage being a "people pleaser" can do to you.
When i figured that I can't ever control someone else's emotions 24/7, i decided that the only person i should start pleasing is myself.
Yet, it was easier said than done.
Being accustomed to putting my needs to the very last, it was strange pioritsing my needs and wants above others.
I say strange because this felt so foreign to me, i started feeling guilty about being happy.
Yes, guilty for being happy.
It would be a different story if i had actually hurt someone while trying to make myself happy, but i did none of that. All i tried to do was treat myself to ice cream, to start going for dance classes, to hang out with my friends- and yet, doing so made me guilty.
I was fearful of being happy for myself.
Fearful that if i were so, someone else would be unhappy and it would be my doing.
To be honest, it was a screwed up mentality.
Happiness can never grow from Fear. It can grow however, from Love.
I couldn't put this knowledge into words many months ago, though I knew it existed quietly at the back of my throat.
I know not if this will make sense to any of you but pray, if there was any moment in your life when you too felt guilty for being happy when you have not harmed anyone intentionally, know that i undetstand, and it is okay.
I cannot explain this struggle as of right now because i am still trying to comptehend it myself. If anything, writing is a form of release and if noone gets any of this, at least i get it.
It is okay to be happy for yourself.
Sometimes we forget that giving will naturally bring us happiness. If it doesn't, maybe we aren't really giving from the heart. Maybe it wasn't from Love but Fear.
