I've been spending a bit of time thinking about where I am now lately, and I've realized that maybe I'm finally self sufficient. Self sufficient in the sense that i can appreciate myself and accept every bit of me (on most days) and make jokes out of my little accidents such as the red pimple on my nose that i've named Rudolph or the gain in weight that i have newly named "happy fats" because they were from the many desserts i got to enjoy over the past months.
I can safely say that I'm now completely okay with solitude, and it is something that I actually enjoy, sometimes a little too much.
The "little too much" part dawned upon me when I quietly observed my every action in life and realized that I've been stomping on any potential butterflies in my tummy and that I've been basically blocking out any knocks on my door.
I figured that maybe it was because it took me so much effort to finally find a comfortable place within myself, I am hesitant to let anyone disrupt this peace within me.
Which all made sense up till this point, and now I feel that something is amiss. Love is said to be formed when two wholes come together to become one rather than two halves coming together to form one, so doesn't it make sense then that I'm actually ready for it now that I'm a whole?
Is it still self love or is it selfishness if I am denying myself from any possibility of a greater happiness by being loved by another or of caring for another?
I asked Nise the nocturnal wise friend of mine earlier today if living in the moment or thinking about the future is a better thing to do.
Because after I've experienced grief and death over the past two years, it got me into a phase where I simply wanted to live day by day, minute by minute and be living in the present.
Yet by doing so, it has effectively resulted in some consequences that could have at least been lessened, if not avoided. The pain that followed after was a reminder to think through things with more mind than heart.
But then this led to another question; what happens then if you get so caught up with the future, you end up forgoing and losing all your chances in the present?
There is no future without the present.
Losing the chances in the present easily mean that there isn't even a possibility of a future and happiness.
Writing works wonders in sorting out my brain, i swear.
It seems like the cloud of confusion can easily clear itself while penning down these words.
The answer you and i have now arrived on right here right now on this screen, is that there's no other way to live but to live in the present.
And even though there may be consequences, you can never get a rainbow without a little rain.
