It was tainted with words, not of my own but from a few anonymous people.
"You are ugly", "Your friends hate you", "You are a bitch."
I couldn't understand why I was getting hated on. I went to school, i played with my friends, i did my homework.
Nine year old Han got a little messed up afterwards for the remaining 3 years in primary school.
It made no sense to be hated on for doing nothing at all. When it happened, I thought it was my problem. Maybe me being me isn't what people liked after all.
But Han never cut queues, she loved animals, she did her homework. What was there to hate on? I didn't know. I still don't.
In secondary school, i made friends. I was a little quiet and cautious but somehow i drew people in. Eventually i realised that it was simply because i was being Me. I'm a good listener, i give good hugs to those in need of them.
And that made me realize that it wasn't me back in primary school, i didn't have an issue- they did.
10 years later,
Here i am,
19 year old Hanjing.
I've been pretty down to earth and low profile in college. Nothing fancy, nothing ra-ra. I had friends, a few nice ones and that was it. I was happy.
I have been keeping Ask.fm throughout JC but it was pretty quiet, a few occasional questions here and there.
And then when college ended and vacation started, it got a little more busy. I got questions about SA vs Bowen, jc life and stuff like that.
I thought it was a nice add on to the blog since I can interact with you guys if you needed help. After all some of you guys do leave comments/feedback that I've helped you pen your thoughts into words and that you get me and i get you.
It's nice to know that I've made some sort of impact, no matter how tiny to any of your day/life.
Yet ironically, it is during this period when I'm out of school that i start to get mean questions or comments over on ask.fm
The first time it happened and someone said "You are ugly" or something like that, i freaked out and texted Denise.
Her reaction to it was,
"Han, you've made it in life."
I thought about it and realized, there is actually truth in that. Not that i think i have MADE it or anything but i guess i have to be somewhat successful or accomplished enough for people to notice and i guess be envious about it.
So that was that.
Then over the past two days, some imbecile started asking/dissing me again, this time round about my past relationships.
To which i was honestly annoyed not because they are against me but over the fact he/she has the heart or rather the lack of it to want to use emotional events to inflict pain and injury on people (or me i suppose) again.
I am lucky in the sense that i can roll my eyes at these comments/questions and delete or reply wittily (if my brain allows me to that day) but it got me thinking on a deeper level on how screwed up people can be.
It is pathetic how one needs to feed off another's unhappiness in order to make himself/herself happy.
"Spread joy wherever you go", is a mantra that I have been trying to follow and i think it has been working pretty well thus far.
But even the most optimistic has bad days sometimes and it's not always easy to filter out crap from others.
-currently on the train home so my thoughts are just running in what i hope is a coherent manner-
The main point im trying to put across is that there is NO POINT in being a parasite and making others unhappy to be happy. You wouldn't be, no one likes parasites.
So stop the bullying and stop bringing others down just because you feel like you are at rock bottom.
And to those happy little musketeers who get hated on or are bullied in anyway online or offline, know that you are who you are and noone else but you can change that.
You determine who affects you and YOU allow them to change/alter your life however you like.
If they bringing you down, cut them off, cut them out.
If they are lifting you up, say thankyou, be aware.
Now that i think back about it,
It took me 10 years to grow and discover how great of a person i can be if i let myself be me.
At the age of 9, i was beaten by the rude remarks, the mean ones, the ones that were thrown in my face every night when i went back to my blog.
At the age of 19, i wake up to horrible comments sometimes, some mean some crazy some just completely irrelevant. I struggle with them at times but i brush them off and churn something good out of bad- for instance this very post you are reading.
That's all i have to say about this. There's a long weekend ahead and I'm planning to enjoy every bit of it with the family before school starts.
I'm quite settled into uni now but when the school work starts, i know i will be running fast and hard.