Today, I stepped on the weighing scale again.
This time a little hesitant than before, after all I had a week of cakes and desserts and two servings of truffle fries during my birthday week.
56.3kg, it read.
And I stepped off and on and off and on for the next 3 minutes to see if it would change.
It went down to 56.1kg.
The 200g probably doesn't account to much other than maybe a malfunction in the mechanics of the scale but I got off satisfied and packed up the machine.
Let me just say that I think I've finally found some answers to explain what was going on with this whole weight gain fiasco.
I haven't updated much about it but well,
if you guys didn't know already I gained about 8-9kg over the course of 9 months after A levels and slightly into uni.
I was eating relatively healthy, brown rice and veggies for every meal, but I definitely did increase the number of desserts I consumed.
That being said, I also exercised quite a lot (dance) but the weight gain just went on.
Thinking back now, I think the weight gain might have come about from a metabolic disruption from when I was schooling.
Back in Secondary school, there's wasn't a veg stall in Bowen so I basically survived on egg sandwiches for both breakfast and lunch until dinner time and or the occasional bento box which I usually finish by 11am.
This was accompanied by intense training and exercise at band so my output was probably a lot higher than my input.
In summary, I had 2 sandwiches or a small box of packed lunch to survive from 7.40am till 6.30pm of school and training.
That happened for 4 years.
And then in JC, I brought food from home again.
But it was just one meal, so again, I relied mostly on fruits and that one packed lunch or waffles.
I danced in SA, so trainings were usually until about 7pm/8pm and then I go back home for dinner at about 9pm.
Again, not the best diet for 2 years.
I think what happened was that I was having a much higher output than input of calories. My body probably adjusted and got used to the low calorie diet.
So when school ended and I started eating 3 healthy meals again with that dessert, and exercised normally (2-3 times a week), weight gain was inevitable.
THEN, last December in 2015,
I went to Taiwan and got a terrible stomach flu.
And the loss of appetite and idk what else went on in my body made me lose 4 kg in just that one month.
The weight loss continued after that from Jan to March this year to about 54kg?
It wasn't that hard to maintain the weight, since all I had to do was eat healthy, sleep more and exercise 2 times a week.
But over this month, I think the weight is starting to inch up a tiny bit again.
I'm not quite sure what to make of this weight gain, but I'm not that affected by it anymore.
Watching Cassey's vid made me realise that I'm not alone through it all.
Honestly speaking, it is difficult to find people and friends who can relate to your own experience and insecurities.
It's difficult to smile at friends who encourage you to keep working out but your eyes glaze with envy when you watch them indulge in mid-night treats with ease and still have a skinnier frame than you.
I think body insecurities are something that's so personal, you can only save yourself.
You can't save another, and no one else can help you.
I have to say though, I'm starting to believe the mantra that I've been repeating over and over again to myself.
"Weight is nothing but a number."
When I was at my fittest, I was probably at my exact weight right now.
Not the lightest, but I was the strongest then.
I wondered for a bit if I should let this out on to the virtual world for all of you to read,
but I figured, this is more for myself than for anyone else.
And if anything, I hope you realise that I'm a lot more real than you thought I was.
I'm not fluff.
Real people struggle, and this is as real as I can get.
All 644 words of me and my battle with the weighing machine.